4/01/2023
What the hell was going on in Europe in the 17th century? A little number we look back on and call the Enlightenment. I’ll refresh any readers who were like me and spent their high school history days playing air guitar and napping with their eyes open: The Enlightenment was a period of time where the philosophical and intellectual tenets of European society were tested and reshaped to their foundations. The world moved from dogmatic religion, fear of God, and anxiously awaiting the afterlife onto science, art, culture, and thoughtfulness. In other words, we woke the hell up. I say this not to come after religion or religious folks (shoutout to my fellow guilty Catholics), but society during the Enlightenment found what worked, and they tossed what didn’t. And if I was a betting man, I’d say we’re due in 2023 for a little enlightenment.
So what is the closest thing in modernity to religion in the 17th century? What are folks blinding themselves and dying over? Well, I’d say we have two: Politics and diets. Now I have neither the just sub-Ivy League Poli-Sci degree nor the confidence in my blood pressure to write on here about politics and which side is lying to who about what. But I can say as someone with a mouth, a stomach, and a scale that the dieting world is just as, if not more so, groupthinky and terrifying as the polarized political zealots.
Intermittent Fasting, Keto, Paleo, Carnivore, Vegan, Vegetarian, the Standard American Diet, the strictly Pizza and McDonalds diet (wait, that was actually a wet dream I had). Basically, we have a lot of these and everybody and their mother thinks the school they ascribe to is the best thing since sliced bread (oh no, bread). So we have fanaticism and we also have logic:
“If you cut out carbs, your body will train itself to burn fat and therefore you’ll not be fat anymore”
“If you only eat X, you’ll cut out Y which leads to bloating, inflammation, autoimmune flare ups and also it tastes good so it’s just got to be terrible for you”
“Animal products, particularly red meat, cause inflammation, and clog your arteries, and is a probable predictor of cancer so you should never eat it again. Ever.”
So we have logic and then, God forbid, we throw in a little moral superiority too, like the vegans and Sarah McClaughlin teaming up to remind us how much we love animals so maybe we should spit out that last sip of milk. We have a crapshoot on our hands. And if you listen to any one camp, and you have a remotely open mind, they’ll probably even convince you of the merits of their diet. It’s that way or the Highway. Then you’ll find yourself pinching yourself every time you eat meat, or every time you don’t, depending on which band of Food-Pyramid Jehovah’s Witnesses showed up on your TikTok algorithm that week. And I’d imagine I’m probably not the only one who’s a little bit confused and frustrated with all this conflicting information that has all apparently come “from on high”. So what the f#$k do we make of it?
This, my dear reader, is my proposed Enlightenment: let’s eat food. Groundbreaking? I’m sure of it. Cancel worthy? You bet. Let me explain what I mean.
What is food? Well, take anything in your pantry or fridge as an example: if you have to think long and hard about whether or not it’s considered food, it’s not. WOAH. Can you find it growing on a tree, or out of the ground, or from the flesh or teet of an animal (sorry vegans)? No? Then chuck it. Can’t remember the last time you foraged a pretzel from the pretzel tree? Toss it. Don’t know if an Oreo comes from an egg or not? Goodbye. Curious why you can’t believe it’s not Butter? Because it’s not!
And if you’re feeling really, and I mean really daring and read the label: if you can’t pronounce the ingredient (assuming you read at an intermediate high school level)... probably could chuck that too. Artificial sweeteners, random seed oils, “somebody’ssecondcousin”-ose: probably not your best friend or your stomach’s.
While I have your attention, one last INSANE concept: moderation. If any of what I outlined above seems extraordinarily difficult or incompatible with your lifestyle, just exercise some self control. Don’t want to cut out beer completely? Cut back. Having ice cream or cookies four nights a week? Make it four times a month.
My point is, if you’re eating mostly whole, minimal ingredient, nutrient dense foods you will more than likely develop a healthier metabolism and relationship with food in general. If you find you’re still not where you want to be, then maybe look into one of the aforementioned dietary dogmas. I’m not here to rain on anyone’s parade. I’ve experimented or strongly considered most of the diets I outlined above (especially the Pizza and McDonalds one). And I’m not a dietician, a doctor, a personal trainer, or a model of any kind. But I’ve certainly been around this proverbial block and the internet enough times to know that it can be pretty damn hard to figure out what is best for your lifestyle. I’ve also found myself appalled and dismayed to find that no one is just recommending food. So try this, don’t try it, do what makes you happy. But don’t doubt yourself enough to think that there’s only one right way for 7 billion people. I know you’re a brighter bulb than that.